why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
