She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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