8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
