She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
