Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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