Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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