i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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