i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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