There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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