Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You are a genius and a whore.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
