he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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