It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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