My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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