O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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