Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
