just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
