Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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