god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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