Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You ruined the universe
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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