He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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