My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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