It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
