Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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