My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
