Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
