You don't have asthma, your pregnant
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
what day is it and did you see me today?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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