and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
