My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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