Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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