I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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