Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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