oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
