where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
