I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
4 words: hood of his car
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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