I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I will be naked everywhere
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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