what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
