I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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