You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
