and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize