you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
They are going to name an STD after you.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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