My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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