if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Your cock deserves a montage
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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