There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
