96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
