Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
