in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
