I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
