bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
