I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
