Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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