I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she woke up with a sticky ear
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize