You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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