What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize