so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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