you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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