I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
