...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize
