i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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