Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
