Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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