Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize