I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
