So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
