She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
