Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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