I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's shark week go big or go home
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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