I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm having to shit out rocks
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