Will you blow on my dice?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
