Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
